Nigerian Lady: Marital failure is nothing to be ashamed of. A Nigerian tourism expert identified as Chiamaka Obuekwe, took to her Twitter handle today to share some of the lessons she learnt from her over a year old marriage that has packed up.
Chiamaka revealed that she had her traditional wedding in December 2017 and her white wedding in January 2018. She said by February of 2019, her marriage to a man whom she dated for four years, had ended. She enumerated some of the lessons she learnt in her short-lived marriage.
Read her tweets below:
”I woke up this morning & Google photos reminded me that it was my traditional wedding on this day, 3 years ago & as some of you may or may not know, I am no longer married & unashamedly so. Today I am going to share a bit about marriage from what I experienced & learnt.
Firstly, a disclaimer – I am not a marriage counsellor, therapist nor do I know much. I am only sharing from experience. So, my marriage lasted for about a year or a little over. Trad was in Dec 2017, white in January 2018 and the marriage ended in February 2019.
Let me tell you the truth guys, marriage can be beautiful. At least I experienced its beauty though briefly. Also, marriage has nothing to do with how long you date. We dated for almost 4 years, so that’s long enough. But lots of signs were ignored.
So I’ll be sharing 7 major lessons I learnt from my marital failure (which I actually don’t see as a failure because I gained peace, restored joy, confidence and more).
Lesson 1 – Don’t ignore the signs. The truth is there are always signs there. Marriage only escalates the issues. If he or she were a particular way before the marriage, it would only get worse afterwards. The problem is that a lot of people (including me) are blindly in love so we ignore the signs. We believe the person would change after marriage. But brethren, people hardly change. If the person is lazy, stingy, unforgiving or unkind before marriage, these things would only become worse after marriage. So be wise & do not ignore the signs.
Lesson 2 – Don’t fight to win as an individual but as a team. Hmm this one. Please remember that you’re a team when you become married and fights & disagreements are inevitable, but don’t fight to be the winner in any disagreement. Your partner is not the enemy. Win together.
Lesson 3 – Communication is key. This one, I’m sure you’ve heard & you’re probably tired of hearing but it is sooo true. Talk about everything with your partner, I mean everything. Talk about things as random as the weather and as deep as your s.e.x life, your aspirations & dreams
Lesson 4 – Discuss your expectations and desires before marriage. This is closely related to communication. You need to be sure of yourself as a person and clear about your expectations & desires in marriage. You need to talk about things as important as kids if you want them, you need to talk about your s.e.x life, about cooking, home care, finances & so much more. A lot of people go into marriage without discussing these things. If these were discussed, a lot of couples would even know that they have different expectations & should not be together.
Lesson 5 – Don’t go to bed angry. This is also something you’ve heard a lot. I mean this literally and otherwise. Don’t let anger fester & grow in your relationship. To be honest, this is what broke us. Don’t let the small issues turn into big issues. Don’t sweat the small stuff
Lesson 6 – Marriage takes responsibility and maturity. This is something I am still learning; in fact a lot of us are. A lot of people don’t know the responsibility it takes to be in a relationship or marriage. It’s not all fun & games. It is a very serious commitment. Marriage is not child’s play. So take your time, grow, learn, travel, be exposed, read, ask questions, go to counselling, all before getting married. It is not something to be rushed into. Do not let anyone, especially society pressure or rush you into getting married.
Lesson 7 – Your partner is not perfect. Learn to accept your partner with their flaws and all. You are meant to grow together. This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t heal from past trauma or that you should be a shitty person & be waiting for someone to come and save you. However, no one is perfect so learn to accept your partner. If you desire to become better at anything, work on it together. That helps you even grow closer. An example is if you desire to live a healthier lifestyle, you guys can work out together and all. That’s romantic sef.
So these are my 7 lessons. I hope you’ve learnt something or at least been reminded of something you’ve learnt before. But of course, I have bonus points – Your happiness, joy, peace and mental health come first, so always put yourself first. Be confident in yourself. Be your own person; don’t let the marriage stop you from being who you are. Have your own interests, friends and goals. Heal from past trauma. Selah
Bonus bonus point about the shame of marital failure – My dearest people, there’s nothing to be ashamed of. Shame is only but a social construct created by society. Na marriage end, you no kill person. You are smart & amazing & beautiful things lie ahead for you. You matter.